I went to bed nice and early last night so I could be sure and get a good night’s sleep for my big day. I woke up at a quarter to nine this morning. Nine! On my day off. Just couldn’t sleep. Too much nervous energy, don’t you know? So I took a glorious 45 minute shower. Washed my hair and then rinsed and double rinsed to make sure no soap residue stuck around. Can’t have any of that, afterall. Liberally applied conditioner and made sure to properly massage it into my hair, as opposed to the usual messy and haphazard way that I normally apply it. Whipped out a brand new venus razor and shaved my legs – twice – just to make sure. Made absolute sure that all of the conditioner was rinsed from my hair. I think this may have been the first time I have actually lathered rinsed and repeated. Shaved my armpits and then my freshly waxed nether regions. The latter just a precaution. After meticulously making sure that all of me was washed and rinsed I decided it was probably time to get out. The alarmingly cold water now jutting out of the shower head was the big indicator. I don’t think I’ve been quite this squeaky clean since my grandma used to give me baths and scrub me like a dirty potato. I towel dried my hair, of course. Searched the house for my favorite vanilla lotion and then proceeded to liberally apply it to every inch of skin I have. Clipped my toenails. Tweezed my eyebrows. Checked my awesome brazilian wax for any stray hairs, again, just to make sure. Scavenged for my favorite pair of lady bug socks and my pretty polka dot underwear. Grabbed a fresh bra out of the dryer as well as my favorite pair of jeans and one of my nicer tops. Actually combed my now silky and towel dried hair! Applied eyeliner and mascara! And just for good measure, added a couple spritzes of Sicily by Dolce & Gabbana (it compliments the vanilla lotion, afterall) before I was off to my appointment. I spent over two hours getting ready. The drive over was maybe 20 minutes and the pap smear? Well that took about 2 minutes.

I’ve never dolled myself up like that, not even for real dates back when I actually had a sex life.